Wholeness in Gratitude
I've been doing a lot of self work in growing my soul and awareness in the last four years. A LOT. I say four years because it started when I became pregnant. Even before I became pregnant, I knew having a baby was a part of my life that had to happen. Like Elsa in Frozen 2, I felt this gentle call inside of me that I couldn't explain, but I knew it was there and I knew I had to follow it.
I remember sitting on the front porch steps in the afternoon San Diego sun trying my best to explain to my husband that this is just something I needed to do...Have a baby that is. As a woman, I felt called to experience what it is like to grow a human, go through those changes physically and come out on the other side still standing. What I didn't anticipate is truly the amount of change that happened in every nook and cranny of my life. The cliché really is an understatement to say "a baby changes everything". Whoever said that must have been overwhelmed and in an attempt to explain simply what all a baby does bring to life and awareness, they condensed it for time sake because their child or home needed attention.
One of the biggest changes pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood brought on for me is self-awareness. Looking back now, it feels safe to say I had very little self-awareness pre-pregnancy. I knew things about myself but those labels have often turned out to be definitions I had naïvely agreed to over the course of my life. After hearing them so many times I believed them. I had never really stopped to analyze myself deeply enough to come to my own conclusions. Until I was pregnant, I had no reason to look at my evolution that closely. But as any woman who has been pregnant knows, even when you feel something changing in your body you've never felt before, you know it has unique meaning, you take notice and analyze it relentlessly until the next things comes along.
One change led to another, and I became extra aware that I needed and wanted to take exceptional care of my body as this sweet baby grew. This was a journey only I was experiencing and while others could compare, I knew in my bones no one could truly understand my unique state of being. This led me to research anything and everything to learn more about how I could personalize my experience in pregnancy and not let it pass by in a flash. At about twenty weeks in, I had a conversation with a dear friend who teaches birth classes about birthing options and after a brief stint of feeling overwhelmed with the options and questions, she reminded me to just be present in the moment and enjoy the evolution of pregnancy, for it is only temporary. I am immensely thankful for her and that conversation because it served as the beginning of the most incredible birth experience and I can truly mark that as the beginning of my practice in self awareness and gentle grace as a pregnant woman and now as a mother.
Today, on Thanksgiving day three years postpartum, I am filled with gratitude for the wholeness this motherhood journey has led me to. I am still tweaking and learning every day, but I do know one thing for sure. There is no way I could become the person I am meant to be without becoming a mother. Pregnancy is temporary, but motherhood is forever and for that I am thankful.